"I Used to Wait Tables...."

The hotel our diner is attached to had a sewer line break on Tuesday, leaving our non-smoking room smelling less than stellar. It wasn't full on intolerable, but it was definitely unpleasant. So when the first of a group of seven comes in and sits there, I was was surprised but had no problem taking care of them.

When the next couple comes in, the woman asks to move to the back dining room because of the smell, which is fine. I help them gather their water glasses and menus and move them, explaining that since I'm the only waitress on the floor I hope they'll be patient with me running all three rooms. The woman says "oh, no problem! I used to be a waitress! Do you need any help?"

I assured her things were fine, I just wanted to warn them in case I did get busy. There was a sense of hilarity at the table, as some of them are regulars who I know like large waters. The rest of the group was trying to earn themselves large glasses of water, and it was just a hoot.

I got all the smaller tables taken care of, and went to get their order. I asked who was with who, because you know this is going to be separate checks! Former waitress is all the way across the table kitty-corner from her man, and we were joking around about that. I started with him, and then turned to her....

"Oh! I haven't even looked yet! Just a minute!" I'm breathing. Breathing. Waiting. She's flipping frantically through her menu. "I don't see waffles on this menu!"

We don't have waffles.

"Oh! Um...." More flipping. Nearly FIVE minutes of standing there waiting for her to get it together. I offered to take the other orders and come back to her, but no way that was going to happen. "Don't you have just, like, two eggs and toast?"

I looked at her man. "Are you sure she used to wait tables?"

The whole group laughed, including her, but she knew damned well what I meant. I assured her we could make her two eggs and toast, and got the rest of the table going. Before I leave the table, her husband asks for one pancake added to their ticket. Apparently, she decided she would have a pancake, but was too chickenshit to ask me herself.

Seriously.

So food comes out, hilarity continues, fun table. Her husband asks for two strawberry jams. Um, those were for her too. WTF? Weird.

I'm pre-busing, taking care of business in all the rooms. (I was so "on" yesterday, and that surprised me what with the holiday off time; usually after that much time off the floor I tend to have trouble getting back in the swing.)

She asks for a small to go box..she's got one slice of toast left and a half an over easy egg. Okay. I go to get the box, and when I come back the table is razzing her for that. Then she needs *another* strawberry jam to take home with her. Okay again.

On my last trip to the table to return a credit card, he asks if I want to know where she used to waitress. The table erupts in laughter again, and I declined saying I had food in the window. They were taking it a little further than I was comfortable with, and I was picking up vibes from her as well. Her husband left the tip on his end of the table, and she was paying the bill. On the next trip through that room, she gets up with the cash in hand for their bill, picks up the tip from by his plate, and gives me *part* of it.

Oh yeah. You never waited tables a day in your life, unless you worked for mom and dad or had kneepads on for the boss.

Take this, toots: I cleared $12 off that table, despite you shorting the tip your man left me. The ridicule was a bit over the top, but you damned well had it coming for claiming you used to wait tables then acting like that!

Peace, out.